오늘 기분이 나쁜 날이다. 슬프고 부럽고 힘들고 헷갈리고 무섭고… 화났다.
어디서 부터 이야기를 시작 할까요?
Lately I’ve been feeling really bad. School’s killing me so much. The semester will be over in less than two months and the possibility of not passing some, if not all, of my subjects scares me to death.
I just can’t finish anything! Money’s also bad. Since I have tons of school work, I can’t report for my part time job/s enough to earn sufficiently.
I hate that I can’t do the things I want to do. I have to do things that I don’t want to do. I don’t do the things that I should do. And I do the things I shouldn’t do.
And today just makes me feel worst than ever.
Today I sent my good friend off. She’s my only girlfriend in the university. We share lots of things together. She is really a special dongsaeng. Today she left for Korea. She’ll be taking her masters degree and will stay in Korea for 3 years.
I hate that she has to leave on a time like this. She’s the only one among my university friends who can understand me when I can no longer bear the pressure of school.
And part of me is so envious with her. She’ll be going to Korea. And for one year she will study nothing but Korean language. While I’m left here, drowning on volumes after volumes of linguistics readings that I can hardly understand.
And her trip has to be this time of the year. When my dear Suna Unnie is filming a drama. When my dear Suna Unnie will have a movie shown. When my dear Suna Unnie has couple of Cfs airing. When my dear Suna Unnie will be celebrating her birthday. For a big Kim Sun Ah fan, this year – particularly this time of year, is the best date to be in Korea. My friend will be in Incheon probably in 2 hours time. And Suna Unnie was just in Incheon yesterday afternoon. And today her movie has a press conference in Seoul.
I’m really envious. And the friend in me is feeling lonely. Thinking she won’t be by my side anymore for 3 years is just plain painful – yet I can’t cry. And it’s making me feel so heavy. I want to cry, but I don’t now why, I just can’t.
The only thing that’s making me cheerful these days is Suna Unnie’s new drama. It’s what keeps me going. But ironically, last night’s episode of Scent Of A Woman is unbearably sad! Too sad it makes my mood sadder today.
And as if the day can’t get any worse, I was greeted with the news that my Suna Unnie fainted today due to lack of sleep. They been so pressed for time with the drama. They were filming a scene yesterday afternoon (around 6pm) for last night’s episode (9:50pm). Isn’t that crazy? A few day ago Unnie posted on her me2day that the number 1 on her Bucket List for the past few days is to be able to sleep with her legs up (apparently she only get to take short naps while sitting in between takes / on her car). And it made this day worse than ever!
So many thoughts are running on my mind. So many concerns are worrying me… I’m lonely, sad, confused, scared… 몰라 몰라…
Usually ice cream can make me feel better. I’ve already eaten one, and has no effect. I just want to sleep the whole day despite deadlines that are pounding on my door. I wonder what can make me cheerful today? Usually it’s Suna Unnie… all these years it has been her who can make me happy. But what can we do when it’s also because of her that I’m feeling this way?
Sorry for the rant. I haven’t blogged anything for a long time and I came back like this… I’m terribly sorry… I just can’t help but write and vent my feelings out right now. Just ignore me and this post. I’ll be back to blogging as soon as the semester’s done – or maybe sooner. 🙂
Wow! Facebook notification – today’s the birthday of my deceased (murdered) elementary school friend. Ha! Really! Can this day get any better!!!
I just wish to sleep this day through… hopefully when I wake up it’s gonna be a better day tomorrow…