비몽사몽 非夢似夢 – [명사] 완전히 잠이 들지도 잠에서 깨어나지도 않은 어렴풋한 상태.
[noun] the state between being asleep and awake; half awake; half dreaming.
If there’s a word that can best describe what I am feeling right now it will be 비몽사몽.
Ever since I came back from Korea, more than a month ago, and up until now I am still in a 비몽사몽 state. I don’t know where I’ve been, where I currently am and have no idea where I should go. I don’t have the slightest idea of what I just did, what I am doing and what I should be doing next.
I’ve started working. I’ve meet new people and have made new friends. I wake up early every day and go to work. I hit the gym. I have a routine everyday…
I still feel that one morning I’ll wake up in my sweet little room in our goshiwon at Sinchon and will have a bowl of Korean sticky rice and kimchi for breakfast. That I will stuff whatever food I can get my hands on inside my backpack and grab my one and only jacket and ran towards Exit 8 of Sinchon station Line 2. That I will check my itinerary and head to the next place on my list that is still unchecked. That I will walk and walk and walk to my heart’s content and take lots and lots and lots of photos. That an 어르신 or two will talk to me in the middle of my walks and will keep asking me how come I am travelling alone and that I should travel with my non-existent boyfriend or friends. That I will head back to Sinchon when night comes. That I will walk lazily around Sinchon memorizing the different shops, restaurant and food stalls in the area. That I will sit for a few minutes in the Children’s park right in front of our goshiwon before going up to my room. That I will have a nice little chat with the goshiwon ahjussi (and if I’m lucky will get invited for a drink). That I will turn on the small television and channel surf until I see a re-run of Dad, Where Are We Going? in my room. That I will take a shower in the shared bathroom on our floor. That I will sleep comfortably under my warm comforter.
Yes. We have another bad case of withdrawal syndrome here.
If only I can bring spring back.
If only I can go back…
No matter how many problems I encountered. No matter how gruesome and painful the heartache I have experienced. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all. Those 51 days of spring, good or bad, were the best 51 days of my life.
If only those days can last forever… ㅠㅠ
But I know that sooner or later I need to wake up – completely.