초콜릿이랑 눈싸움하고 있다

오늘도 되게 슬프다.

회사에 가는 길에서 창피하게 눈물이 또 계속 흘렀다.

행복을 찾는 것이 언제부터 이렇게 힘들어진지 모르겠다.

오늘 일해야 돼서 빨리 정신 차리려고 생각했다.

그래서 초콜릿을 샀다.

예전에 초콜릿을 먹으면 기분이 막 좋아졌었다.

근데 이제 효과가 없어졌나보다.

식욕이 없어서 초콜릿도 먹을 생각이 없다.

그래서 내 책상 위에 있는 초콜릿이랑 오랫동안 이렇게 눈싸움하고 있다.

2013.07.20

I wrote this yesterday while at work. I was sad (as always) and I felt the urge to write something. Not wanting to lose the moment, I hastily wrote this down. Nothing special, really. I just narrated what I was doing.

I posted this on lang-8 first to have it corrected. I’m quite happy that there were only few things that needed correction despite the fact that I wrote this down quickly without using any dictionary. Yes, I know this is something very short and simple, but it makes me happy being able to write something like this on my own with minimal corrections.

Also, the one who corrected it said it’s like a 단편소설. O.o

단편소설 무슨?! ㅋㅋ

Ah, Korean! I know it’s biased and I know my linguistics professors will disagree… but… Korean, why are you so beautiful? I don’t think this will sound this pretty if I wrote it in English or in my native language.

Updates

I originally wanted to post about the things that I’ve been up to lately but I keep pushing them back so I might as well just jot them down in bullets for the meantime. I still plan on making detailed posts about most of them some time.

• Depressed. Still. Not just because I was heartbroken, but I’d say that’s the biggest part of my depression. At the same time it seems that my heartbreak triggered all the rest of my negative and sad thoughts. There are just load of things that’s making me sad, lonely, angry, insecure, crazy. And very very very few things (if none) that’s making me happy these days.
• In isolation. I’m prone to isolating myself whenever I’m depressed. I’m also prone to running away. But I guess this is the worst. I only talk to very very few friends. And before, even if I was isolating myself my getaway was my blog, my personal facebook account (with very few friends) and our fancafe. But this time I barely touch them. Though I’m trying my best to get myself back to blogging.
• I still can’t get myself to write. That’s why there were very few posts. Be it about my recent trip in Korea or something about learning Korean or things that happened recently. Or the dramas I’m watching. Or about Kim Sun Ah (whom I miss so badly, I just realized). Or my 마음 속. Strangely, just when I have thousands of thoughts running in my head, I find it difficult to write. Seems like my hands are too slow for my thoughts so the moment I start writing something, I simply give up. I wanted to start writing once again because I know that it will make me feel better. I’m trying. Now.
• I wasn’t able to graduate last semester. Instead I ran away to Korea. I was so stressed with everything – school, part-time work, family stuff. I thought I’ll be able to sort my thoughts better in Korea. I thought I can relax, enjoy and think things trough and return as a better me but instead….
• I got myself into a more complicated situation. Not only was I not able to sort my thoughts while in Korea. I got hurt. My heart got broken to pieces. And I still don’t know how to put my heart and myself together.
• I still love Korea though. To bits! My experience last spring only proved that no amount of heartbreak or pain or disappointment could change the love I have for Korea.
• I’m having a hard time organizing stuff from my last trip in Korea. Actually I can’t wait to share wonderful photos and stories from my last trip but I still don’t have the heart to go over my folders. I actually hate it because I’m afraid I’ll start forgetting those wonderful memories. But I’m also afraid that the moment I open that first folder, I’ll pack my bags and sprint towards the airport and bring myself back to my paradise.
• Looking forward to go back to Korea. These days when there are few things making me happy, I can’t wait to go back. Because I know it’s the only thing that can probably make me happy. I don’t know when I can go back. But I’m wishing to go back in time for The Five.
• Still trying my best to forget The Crush. Not him actually. At least my feelings towards him – that I should’ve let go a long time ago.
• No appetite. For the first time in my life, I lost my appetite. I just don’t feel hungry anymore. I don’t crave for anything anymore. I do crave Korean food sometimes but I can only eat few portions. And it doesn’t make me happy anymore. I am no longer excited with the thought of food – not even Korean food. I still eat. Don’t worry. But the joy of eating suddenly disappeared. The only thing I’m craving for is alchol. OTL. Depression. Yes. I guess.
• Working out. And for the first time in my life, I enjoyed and was able to keep up exercising. I’ve been going to the gym regularly. Something that I wasn’t able to do before. I often just quit after a few days. I can be seen at the gym everyday now for months.
• I started working. A decent job. Not stressful at all. Office is great. There’s also a chance that I’ll use Korean for work (and my salary to get doubled) if my Korean would improve. Good, right? But it’s making me sad. I don’t know. I don’t know if this is really what I want to do. At the same time I’m already this depressed and our office is quite indusive in making loners lonelier. 😦
• K-pop. Yes. Me. I’ve been listening to Kpop for months. The Crush gave me about 6GB worth of Kpop. I still don’t know who’s who in the Kpop world but I started liking Davichi (and their songs) and a number of songs here and there. I also managed to memorize one Korean song – finally!
• I Can Hear Your Voice and Queen’s Classroom. These two dramas are what’s keeping me sane these days. The only things I’m looking forward to. And now that both are about to end… I’m quite afraid if there will be anything that I can look forward to after them. 😦
• I’ve finally let go of the subtitle. With Dad, Where Are We Going?  at least.
• Loving Dad, Where Are We Going? And me and my mom watches it regularly and I translate  it to her whenever I fail to get the subbed videos.
• Doing subs for Gentleman’s Dignity on my free time. Hangeul subs.
• Catching up as many dramas and movies I can. To stop myself from thinking too much.
• I should start doing my part-time job again. But I don’t think I can.
• I should start writing my school papers once again. But I think I still can’t.
• TOPIK. Need to remind myself that I’ll be taking the next one! Still not preparing for it except by reading Yonsei textbook 3 roughly.
• I met one of my language partners in Korea. I failed to meet the other one (my fault!). Now, all of us were busy. So no language exchange for me since I came back.
• My Korean has improved. Yey! If there’s some good this whole love brouhaha has brought me, it’s my Korean. Being in Korea indeed helped me with my Korean. But last summer, I was doing okay when I was in Korea but the moment I returned, I eventually returned to how I was before. This time I was able to use Korean more often when I was there. But more than anything else, having to express my deepest feelings to someone. Opening my heart to someone. Getting angry at someone. Cursing someone. Indeed, it helped my Korean a lot. And even after I returned, this time I didn’t lose my Korean. I kept thinking in Korean. I kept talking to myself in Korean. I still have a long way to go, but I love how my Korean when I was in Korea last spring is still sticking with me – and I may even be improving here and there even after my return.
• I’m still studying Korean. Reading, watching, writing, kakao-talking. At least it takes my mind off the painful and sad things that are clouding my head these days. Studying calms me. And being able to understand a whole lot more and being able to say a whole lot more makes me happy.
• Kim Sun Ah unnie has a new drama – a Chinese drama I heard. I was not too excited for that one. Maybe because I was busy nursing my broken heart when the news about it broke out so I never get to really follow it anymore. But there’s one news that made me so excited. Japanese drama Kaseifu no Mita  is going to have a Korean version and Kim Sun Ah is one of the 2~3 actresses that are being eyed for the role of Mita! 아싸!
• Emails. Inbox. Messages. I’m starting to read and answer them one by one. Slowly. Sorry to all my friends whom I haven’t answered or talked with lately. I just can’t. I don’t expect you to understand. But please forgive me. It was not my intention to go into hiding. It just happen. I can’t stop it. I am trying to get myself out of the pit I dug now though.

I’m not sure if there will be anyone interested with what’s going on with me. But I am actually the most interested person in what’s going on with me. I’m still mostly depressed and still in a kind of limbo right now. Kinda makes me calm – being able to write down what’s going on and stuff.

[노래] 두번째 서랍

내일의 내게 안부를 묻죠
다친 마음은 조금 아물고 있는지
나도 괜찮을까요?
When will I be okay?

오늘도 난 안부를 묻죠
지친 하루를 홀로 걸어온 나에게
세상에게 빌려온 꿈은
하루만큼 닳아만 가는데
이런 나도 괜찮을까요

내가 바란다면 내가 원한다면 꿈이 되나요-
별이 지지않는 마음으로 살 수 있나요

오랜 물음들을 디뎌서 먼 길을 왔을 때
그런 나를 맞아 그대 말해주네요
나 찾아 헤맨
그건 나란걸

내일의 내게 안부를 묻죠
다친 마음은 조금 아물고 있는지
세상에게 받아온 상처
하루만큼 늘어만 가는데
이런 나도 괜찮을까요

다시 기다려야 다시 다가가야 함께 있나요
비에 젖지 않는 마음으로 살 수 있나요

오랜 물음들을 디뎌서 먼 길을 왔을 때
그런 나를 맞아 그대 말해 주네요

내가 지킨 꿈들이 날 지켜준다고
내가 놓지 않은 손들이 잡아준다고
날 자라게 한 계절 지나 그대를 만나요
외로웠던 시간에 인사를 건네요

나 괜찮아요
그대 있으니
꿈이 있으니