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Learning Korean These Days Are A Tad More Difficult

This post has been sitting on my draft folder for months now but I never got the time energy will to finish it until I’ve watched this scene from I Need Romance Season 2 (episode 6).

Youtube Link

만진다. 잡는다. 간다. 온다. 가르친다. 외출한다. 본다. 느낀다. 슬퍼한다. 화난다. 춤춘다. 노래한다. 밉다. 운다. 웃는다. 사랑한다. 사랑한다. 많이 많이 사랑한다. 상처입는다. 상처입힌다. 키스한다. 그리고 잔다. 이 수많은 말들 중에 나하고 상관없는거 있어? 하나라도 있음 말해봐.

“만진다. 잡는다. 간다. 온다. 가르친다. 외출한다. 본다. 느낀다.
슬퍼한다. 화난다. 춤춘다. 노래한다. 밉다. 운다. 웃는다.
사랑한다. 사랑한다. 많이 많이 사랑한다.
상처입는다. 상처입힌다. 키스한다. 그리고 잔다.
이 수많은 말들 중에 나하고 상관없는거 있어? 하나라도 있음 말해봐.”

“I touch (you). I hold (you). I go. I come. I teach (you). I go out. I see (you). I feel (you).
I get sad. I get angry. I dance. I sing. I hate (you). I cry. I laugh.
I love (you). I love (you). I love you very very much.

I get hurt. I hurt (you). I kiss (you). And I sleep (with you).
Out of these numerous words, is there one that you don’t associate with me?
If there’s even one, let me know.”

It’s been about 7 years that I’ve been learning Korean and in all those seven years I haven’t stopped learning the language. I may not always have a grammar book in tow in all of those 7 years but I make it a point I have something Korean with me each day – be it a novel, a children’s book, a song, a drama, a movie, a subtitling project, an old TOPIK paper, an old notebook, talking with Korean friends, writing a diary, etc. I’ve never stopped. Until a few months ago.

Actually it’s been on and off for the past year. But I’ve completely shut everything out a couple of months ago. Unintentionally perhaps, since I didn’t plan to do so anyway.

Learning Korean has suddenly become a difficult thing for me.

Because of him. Because of me and my stupid heart.

Although I’m generally a visual learner, I’ll probably categorize myself as an “emotional” learner, if there’s such a thing, when it comes to learning Korean. Maybe because Korean dramas were my foundation, I associate words (and even grammar patterns) with emotions. With feelings and memories. And sometimes with people too. For example, when learning a new word, I can remember that Kim Sun Ah has used it in this drama in this episode and in this specific scene. I would remember the mood of the scene, the background music if any and what her character is feeling at that time and how exactly she uttered the word. And the word, along with all the feelings I’ve associated with it, would be planted in my memory. Not only for Kim Sun Ah. It works for me on other dramas, on movies on webtoons, on songs and on my personal experiences too. And it was fun. It used to be fun. But not anymore.

“만진다. 잡는다. 간다. 온다. 가르친다. 외출한다. 본다. 느낀다.
슬퍼한다. 화난다. 춤춘다. 노래한다. 밉다. 운다. 웃는다.
사랑한다. 사랑한다. 많이 많이 사랑한다.
상처입는다. 상처입힌다. 키스한다. 그리고 잔다.
이 수많은 말들 중에 나하고 상관없는거 있어? 하나라도 있음 말해봐.”

“…Out of these numerous words, is there one that you don’t associate with me? If there’s even one, let me know.”

하나라도 없어. Not even one.

I’ve tried. I’ve tried numerous times. I would try to clear my mind and go over a page from a book. One sentence. Two sentences. Three. And then a word would catch my attention. It may be a word he taught me. Or a word I learned from him. A word I’ve told him. A word he told me. A word I’ve used when we’re together. A word he used. A word he wrote. A word I’ve heard from him. A word he looked up in the dictionary for me. A word I’ve looked up in the dictionary for him. Or simply something that we did together. Or a word I could’ve told him. A word I wasn’t able to tell him. A word I wish he told me. A word I wish I’d have told him. A word I wish he never told me. A word I wish I never said. Anything. Everything.

And the memories and old feelings I’m trying to forget will all go back. I’d end up spending the rest of the day staring into blank space, thinking over-thinking,  wasting time, wasting tears and then criticizing and hating myself for still being affected that way.

So I avoided it. I avoided it thinking it won’t do me any good if I continuously push myself into my books. I avoided it just like how I avoided everything else in my life right now. I’ve become a coward. I’ve become so afraid of the pain I’ll do anything to avoid it. And I know it’s not the right thing to do.

It’s just sad that the thing (learning Korean) that used to comfort me when I’m sad or lonely or stressed or my head’s in a total mess has become something that now antagonizes me.

But no, I’m not giving it up. Never will! I’ve been learning Korean for 6 years before I met him. Who is he to mess it all up? I’m just saying it has become difficult.

I’ve started watching Korean dramas again a week ago even if it’s killing me. I found a will to write again (even if I’m not exactly happy of how this post has become!). And I’m planning quite excited to re-open my TOPIK Essentail Grammar 150 Intermediate in a bit since TOPIK is only 16 days away.

Today seems a good day. I may end up crying myself to sleep again tonight but I’ve been missing my Korean books so I’m gonna give it a try today.

“만진다. 잡는다. 간다. 온다. 가르친다. 외출한다. 본다. 느낀다.
슬퍼한다. 화난다. 춤춘다. 노래한다. 밉다. 운다. 웃는다.
사랑한다. 사랑한다. 많이 많이 사랑한다.
상처입는다. 상처입힌다. 키스한다. 그리고 잔다…”

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I Hate Rest Days!

Today’s one of the few days I get to spend home. For the past weeks/months I’m always outside with friends (or sometimes by myself) during my rest days.

I used to look forward to my rest days. Nothing’s better than having to spend a day or two in my jammies doing absolutely nothing. Or movie/drama marathoning, studying Korean, reading books, staying in bed all day and all night long.

But this time it’s different.

I hate rest days! Like today!

I’ve become very used to having fun with friends all around me. From fooling around to talking heart to heart. I used to be a loner and I enjoy the solitude of spending time alone. But being with my friends helps me forget things I should have forgotten a long time ago. And now that I’m by myself once more… as much as I hate to admit it… I can’t help but have these senseless useless and stupid thoughts sprawling all around my head and my heart just keeps getting heavier and heavier.

Thoughts. Worries. Loneliness. Pain. Regrets. Anger. I’m sick and tired of all of them. But I just can’t push them all away. I’ve read somewhere one should go through IT and not go around it. The thing is, I’ve been going around IT over and over and over… So I’m stuck in this endless circle.

I kn0w I can’t be with my friends all the time. I also know I can’t always be outside our house all the time. I need to rest too especially now that I’m not getting any younger. Going out non-stop tires me easily – and cost money!

I’ll just find myself some good movies or try to study some Korean and sleep the whole day. Thing on my To Do List? I’ll just deal with them when I feel like it… 😦

It’s About Time #womanofmydreams

I was getting ready to watch a tearjerker local drama online since I missed the live broadcast when an ad loaded. I usually can’t wait for the 5 second countdown to finish so that I can ‘Skip the Ad’, but my attention was caught by this commercial.

Exactly what I need to hear!

I’m not really giving these type of advice to friends. It’s actually ME who needs these advice because I often forget that I’m great the way I am, that I need to stop feeling bad about myself because there’s nothing wrong with me, that these ill feelings I’ve been burdening myself are just a waste of time and I should instead enjoy life!

Sometimes ads can also make sense.

My Korean Corner Turned 3!

birthday-cupcake

My Korean Corner turned 3 last January 18 without me realizing it. Well, afterall, I haven’t posted much this past year (unlike the first two years of this blog when I never missed a month without posting anything).

And it makes me sad. ㅠㅠ

I missed the days when I get to write regularly. Writing has been a good friend to me. It relaxes me. It calms me down when I get to write thoughts that are running wild inside my head. It comforts me when I get to jot down feelings that are brimming in my chest. However I’m prone to getting overwhelmed easily. When thoughts became too many and when emotions gets too strong, I can’t write. Ironically, just when I have so much to say, that’s when I can’t write a damn thing! It seems like thoughts, ideas, feelings were all rushing widly towards my fingertips and I can’t seem to determine what to write down, how exactly I should write them down and most of all, how to begin writing. I guess I have to learn how to organize my thoughts better.

I’ve also been busy. No. Scratch that. I was not REALLY busy. I didn’t enrol so I don’t have to go to school. I don’t have to attend classes. I have no readings, assignments, exams or papers. And even though I’m working full time, all I do is go to the office and work for 8, 9 hours 5 times a week. I still have lots of hours a day and 2 full days for myself. I just deliberately made myself busy because I was (and still am) running away from… I don’t know what exactly… reality perhaps?

Many things happened. No! Something happened that resulted to many many MANY other things.

In summary: I fell in love for the first time in my life and got my heart broken to million pieces instead. And it was too much for an amateur like me to handle.

I dreaded sitting down in front of my laptop because I know I’ll just end up thinking about someone I shouldn’t be thinking of anymore. So instead I went out with friends, I went out alone, I travelled, I went to the gym, I watched Korean, Japanese, English, Filipino dramas, movies, whatever I can grab online. I studied Korean. I want to be dead tired everyday so that when I hit my bed, I’d immediately fall asleep. I don’t need the luxury of free time because free time to me is time to overthink – and that’s the last thing I want to do. I did everything that doesn’t involve too much thinking. Things that doesn’t involve opening myself up – like writing.

The result – abandoned blog, thousands of unread emails (3,000+ as of writing this), hundreds of Facebook notifications and requests, outdated me!

I acknowledge that I’m still not okay. I wonder when will I be okay. But now I want to be okay. I may not be okay and I may not know when will I be okay but I’ll try my best to make myself okay from now on.

And I feel like writing once again just like how I used to write before. I’m glad finding myself writing this way again and I’m hoping I can sustain this. I missed blogging so much and I missed all my blogger friends. I also missed fangirling over Kim Sun Ah. I’ve been outdated about the blogs that I’ve been following, about Kim Sun Ah and about the latest Korean dramas. I guess it’s time to go back!

Despite minimal posts last year (that were dominated by heartbroken rants), cheers to My Korean Corner‘s 3rd year!

Happy New Year!

새해 첫 일출 2014.01.01 7:01am

새해 첫 일출
2014.01.01 7:01am

I’m back! Happy New Year everyone!

I said goodbye to 2013 and hello to 2014 while at work – at the office. Doesn’t sound fun at all? But I’m fine with it. What’s important for me is finally I was able to say goodbye to 2013 – a one hell of a chaotic year for me; and being able to welcome 2014 with new hopes and new dreams. I’m thankful I survived last year despite everything I went through and I managed to face the new year despite my constant (and crazy) attempts to give up all these times.

I’m looking forward to a better year. I’m looking forward to what this new year will bring me. And I’m looking forward to a better version of me this year.

Cheers to 2014!

내 자리를 지키기 위해

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“자리를 지켜라!”

In the midst of my unending whining, self-pity, anger and depression someone told me “자리를 지켜라”.

Honestly, I still don’t know how. I still don’t have the confidence to protect whatever’s left of myself. I’m still afraid to do anything.

After much thought and hesitation, I muster my courage and registered for the 32nd Intermediate TOPIK on the last day of registration.

I don’t have the confidence to pass even Level 3. And I know there isn’t much time left to prepare for it. But… 나도 내 자리를 지키고 싶다. Maybe… hopefully with this I’ll be able to remember how I was before and will be able to find my old self back.

And at least I’ll have something to focus on instead of thinking useless thoughts day in and day out.

일하는 것, 운동하는 것, 드라마 보는 것, 생각하는 것. 요즘에 그것을 밖에 안 해.

I miss studying Korean. I miss blogging.

Updates

I originally wanted to post about the things that I’ve been up to lately but I keep pushing them back so I might as well just jot them down in bullets for the meantime. I still plan on making detailed posts about most of them some time.

  • Depressed. Still. Not just because I was heartbroken, but I’d say that’s the biggest part of my depression. At the same time it seems that my heartbreak triggered all the rest of my negative and sad thoughts. There are just load of things that’s making me sad, lonely, angry, insecure, crazy. And very very very few things (if none) that’s making me happy these days.
  • In isolation. I’m prone to isolating myself whenever I’m depressed. I’m also prone to running away. But I guess this is the worst. I only talk to very very few friends. And before, even if I was isolating myself my getaway was my blog, my personal facebook account (with very few friends) and our fancafe. But this time I barely touch them. Though I’m trying my best to get myself back to blogging.
  • I still can’t get myself to write. That’s why there were very few posts. Be it about my recent trip in Korea or something about learning Korean or things that happened recently. Or the dramas I’m watching. Or about Kim Sun Ah (whom I miss so badly, I just realized). Or my 마음 속. Strangely, just when I have thousands of thoughts running in my head, I find it difficult to write. Seems like my hands are too slow for my thoughts so the moment I start writing something, I simply give up. I wanted to start writing once again because I know that it will make me feel better. I’m trying. Now.
  • I wasn’t able to graduate last semester. Instead I ran away to Korea. I was so stressed with everything – school, part-time work, family stuff. I thought I’ll be able to sort my thoughts better in Korea. I thought I can relax, enjoy and think things trough and return as a better me but instead….
  • I got myself into a more complicated situation. Not only was I not able to sort my thoughts while in Korea. I got hurt. My heart got broken to pieces. And I still don’t know how to put my heart and myself together.
  • I still love Korea though. To bits! My experience last spring only proved that no amount of heartbreak or pain or disappointment could change the love I have for Korea.
  • I’m having a hard time organizing stuff from my last trip in Korea. Actually I can’t wait to share wonderful photos and stories from my last trip but I still don’t have the heart to go over my folders. I actually hate it because I’m afraid I’ll start forgetting those wonderful memories. But I’m also afraid that the moment I open that first folder, I’ll pack my bags and sprint towards the airport and bring myself back to my paradise.
  • Looking forward to go back to Korea. These days when there are few things making me happy, I can’t wait to go back. Because I know it’s the only thing that can probably make me happy. I don’t know when I can go back. But I’m wishing to go back in time for The Five.
  • Still trying my best to forget The Crush. Not him actually. At least my feelings towards him – that I should’ve let go a long time ago.
  • No appetite. For the first time in my life, I lost my appetite. I just don’t feel hungry anymore. I don’t crave for anything anymore. I do crave Korean food sometimes but I can only eat few portions. And it doesn’t make me happy anymore. I am no longer excited with the thought of food – not even Korean food. I still eat. Don’t worry. But the joy of eating suddenly disappeared. The only thing I’m craving for is alchol. OTL. Depression. Yes. I guess.
  • Working out. And for the first time in my life, I enjoyed and was able to keep up exercising. I’ve been going to the gym regularly. Something that I wasn’t able to do before. I often just quit after a few days. I can be seen at the gym everyday now for months.
  • I started working. A decent job. Not stressful at all. Office is great. There’s also a chance that I’ll use Korean for work (and my salary to get doubled) if my Korean would improve. Good, right? But it’s making me sad. I don’t know. I don’t know if this is really what I want to do. At the same time I’m already this depressed and our office is quite indusive in making loners lonelier. 😦
  • K-pop. Yes. Me. I’ve been listening to Kpop for months. The Crush gave me about 6GB worth of Kpop. I still don’t know who’s who in the Kpop world but I started liking Davichi (and their songs) and a number of songs here and there. I also managed to memorize one Korean song – finally!
  • I Can Hear Your Voice and Queen’s Classroom. These two dramas are what’s keeping me sane these days. The only things I’m looking forward to. And now that both are about to end… I’m quite afraid if there will be anything that I can look forward to after them. 😦
  • I’ve finally let go of the subtitle. With Dad, Where Are We Going?  at least.
  • Loving Dad, Where Are We Going? And me and my mom watches it regularly and I translate  it to her whenever I fail to get the subbed videos.
  • Doing subs for Gentleman’s Dignity on my free time. Hangeul subs.
  • Catching up as many dramas and movies I can. To stop myself from thinking too much.
  • I should start doing my part-time job again. But I don’t think I can.
  • I should start writing my school papers once again. But I think I still can’t.
  • TOPIK. Need to remind myself that I’ll be taking the next one! Still not preparing for it except by reading Yonsei textbook 3 roughly.
  • I met one of my language partners in Korea. I failed to meet the other one (my fault!). Now, all of us were busy. So no language exchange for me since I came back.
  • My Korean has improved. Yey! If there’s some good this whole love brouhaha has brought me, it’s my Korean. Being in Korea indeed helped me with my Korean. But last summer, I was doing okay when I was in Korea but the moment I returned, I eventually returned to how I was before. This time I was able to use Korean more often when I was there. But more than anything else, having to express my deepest feelings to someone. Opening my heart to someone. Getting angry at someone. Cursing someone. Indeed, it helped my Korean a lot. And even after I returned, this time I didn’t lose my Korean. I kept thinking in Korean. I kept talking to myself in Korean. I still have a long way to go, but I love how my Korean when I was in Korea last spring is still sticking with me – and I may even be improving here and there even after my return.
  • I’m still studying Korean. Reading, watching, writing, kakao-talking. At least it takes my mind off the painful and sad things that are clouding my head these days. Studying calms me. And being able to understand a whole lot more and being able to say a whole lot more makes me happy.
  • Kim Sun Ah unnie has a new drama – a Chinese drama I heard. I was not too excited for that one. Maybe because I was busy nursing my broken heart when the news about it broke out so I never get to really follow it anymore. But there’s one news that made me so excited. Japanese drama Kaseifu no Mita  is going to have a Korean version and Kim Sun Ah is one of the 2~3 actresses that are being eyed for the role of Mita! 아싸!
  • Emails. Inbox. Messages. I’m starting to read and answer them one by one. Slowly. Sorry to all my friends whom I haven’t answered or talked with lately. I just can’t. I don’t expect you to understand. But please forgive me. It was not my intention to go into hiding. It just happen. I can’t stop it. I am trying to get myself out of the pit I dug now though.

I’m not sure if there will be anyone interested with what’s going on with me. But I am actually the most interested person in what’s going on with me. I’m still mostly depressed and still in a kind of limbo right now. Kinda makes me calm – being able to write down what’s going on and stuff.