어젯밤에 많이 올어서 기분이 좀 가벼워졌다. 그래도 기분이 좋아지지 않다.
오늘 다시 외럽고 다뜻함을 찾고 싶었다.
그리고 기분이 안좋아서 많이 먹었다. 아무리 먹어도 기분이 풀어지지 않았다.
It was so-so today.
I was no longer angry and my heart felt lighter because I get to cry a lot last night. But still I’m not okay.
I’m not angry anymore. I was sad. Again I felt alone. Seeing other people spending time with their loved ones, family or friends makes me jealous and sad.
Work was not any better either. Same irrational clients phoning in.
I also ate and spend a lot on food because nothing I ate makes me feel good. And I just ended up being more depressed because I ate a lot.
I thought I’ll be happy because I finally finished downloading the last episode of God’s Gift 14 Days but the ending disappointed me ㅠㅠ
Today, I failed again. I was not happy at all.
일어날 때부터 기분이 안좋았다. 출근할 때부터 회사 일할 때까지 생각 많이 했다. 다시 울지 않을 줄 알았는데 오늘 다시 울었다.
다 다시 떠올리고 마음이 아퍼졌다. 그리고 화가 났다. 너무 많이 화가 났다. 그 사람한테… 내 자신한테.
너무 너무 답답해서 밖에 나가고 싶고 소리를 치고 싶다!
아무리 느력해봐도 오늘 행복한 순간 하나도 없다. ㅜㅜ
I thought I was already okay that’s why I took this challenge. I guess I’m still not.
I woke not feeling okay and as I go to work all I did was think think and think. I suppressed my tears as hard as I can.
I was angry Very angry.
Work was not good either. I was in midshift and usually there’s not much work during those time. I often take it as a time for me to rest and destress. But for some reasons, work was being cruel as well. Irrational clients phone in one after another making me angier.
I ate a lot today but none of the foods I ate made me feel better. In fact it made me feel worse.
I came home seeing my mom and aunt’s happy faces. They finally had our main door repaired and they both seem happy about it. I thought, “My family’s happiness today is my own happiness as well.” I was planning to think of it that way and end the day but merely 10 seconds have passed and I found myself crying crazily the moment I hit my bed.
It felt as if the anger pent up inside of me the entire day I was trying to suppress my tears. I cried and cried and cried. I took a shower but the tears won’t stop. I tried watching dramas but they were also sad so it doesn’t help. I remember crying myself to sleep again.
Just when I thought I’m no longer going to cry… Just when I thought I’m now okay… It’s all a cycle… it just doesn’t seem to end.
Today I failed. I’m not happy. Not at all.