100 Happy Days: Day 006 실패 # 1

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오늘 실패!

일어날 때부터 기분이 안좋았다. 출근할 때부터 회사 일할 때까지 생각 많이 했다. 다시 울지 않을 줄 알았는데 오늘 다시 울었다.

다 다시 떠올리고 마음이 아퍼졌다. 그리고 화가 났다. 너무 많이 화가 났다. 그 사람한테… 내 자신한테.

너무 너무 답답해서 밖에 나가고 싶고 소리를 치고 싶다!

아무리 느력해봐도 오늘 행복한 순간 하나도 없다. ㅜㅜ

 

I thought I was already okay that’s why I took this challenge. I guess I’m still not.

I woke not feeling okay and as I go to work all I did was think think and think. I suppressed my tears as hard as I can.

I was angry Very angry.

Work was not good either. I was in midshift and usually there’s not much work during those time. I often take it as a time for me to rest and destress. But for some reasons, work was being cruel as well. Irrational clients phone in one after another making me angier.

I ate a lot today but none of the foods I ate made me feel better. In fact it made me feel worse.

I came home seeing my mom and aunt’s happy faces. They finally had our main door repaired and they both seem happy about it. I thought, “My family’s happiness today is my own happiness as well.” I was planning to think of it that way and end the day but merely 10 seconds have passed and I found myself crying crazily the moment I hit my bed.

It felt as if the anger pent up inside of me the entire day I was trying to suppress my tears. I cried and cried and cried. I took a shower but the tears won’t stop. I tried watching dramas but they were also sad so it doesn’t help. I remember crying myself to sleep again.

Just when I thought I’m no longer going to cry… Just when I thought I’m now okay… It’s all a cycle… it just doesn’t seem to end.

Today I failed. I’m not happy. Not at all.

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