*this post is not worth reading… i just want to let all these thoughts out to keep myself sane… again, don’t read… this is just purely ranting… o.o
내가 너무 싫어. 내가 너무너무 싫어.
내가 이런 사람이여서… 미치도록 싫어.
– 여인의 향가의 이연재
I know it’s quite normal to hate one’s self once in a while. Especially if one’s self is acting like a fool and crazy and keeps making stupid mistakes one after the other. But what I hate most is that, lately, I often catch myself doing (AND not doing) things that I know can cause me more sadness, pain and disappointment. Not to mention giving myself a hard time. I’m sure I’m not trying to do this on purpose because I really want to get out of this depressing state. But I don’t know why I always end up adding fuel to the fire. Do I hate myself this much?
I’m trying to get a good cry because I know it can make me better. But for some strange reasons, I can’t even do that. I’ll think of the crappy things that’s happening / I caused to happen, I’ll think of sad things… but I can only go as far as stinging my eyes, and, as if on guard, my body will just shut these feelings and I’ll feel numbness shutting down my tear ducts.
I’m trying to load up more endorphins on my body… but it’s also quite difficult, especially when my main source/s of endorphins are actually causing me to feel sad lately.
Oh well, I hope this post won’t worry anyone. I actually felt better after writing my thoughts down. Also, today is the start of my Christmas vacation (yey!). Though I have tons to do this holiday season, I hope that temporarily being away from school (and acad-related stress), being able to do things that I want to do and being able to accomplish a few items on my to-do list, could make me feel better.