기분이 아주 우울해요

I skipped my Push It! class. I didn’t want to. It makes me sad.

My friends/classmates arrived in Korea already. Some photos are up on their Facebook. They were just hanging around with us a few days ago – and now they are officially in Korea. Seeing their photos is Korea somehow makes me sad.

I still can’t deliver my 5 lines in our Korean play. And I still haven’t practiced my Narration part. It makes me sad.

And worst, I’m nowhere close to memorizing my speech! It makes me really sad!

What is wrong with me? To date,  three people have asked me that question – one of my Korean play 도우미s, my friend and my mom. I want to ask myself the same question. What exactly is wrong with me???

I don’t know what’s wrong with me! But somehow the sentences on my speech suddenly won’t stick in my head. After hours of memorizing a few chunks of sentences, after just a few minutes it will suddenly disapparate into thin air. And I’d end up spending hours again to memorize the same thing. I didn’t have problems with the first part of my speech. In fact I can recite them now even on my sleep. My 도우미 even praised me and told me that I can even deliver it better than her. But that’s about it. After the first 2 paragraphs, I’m suddenly stuck. Alright, I made some improvements over the past few days… but I only have 3 days left to memorize everything.

And somehow I just feel so down right now. I’m worried that I won’t be able to memorize everything by the time of the competition. I’m worried that I would forget some lines while on the stage and make a fool out of myself. I don’t mind not winning, but I just don’t want to mess up. Specially that there were only 2 of us from the upper beginner class that will join the competition – the other one has spent a year in Korea already. And I’m the only one from our beginner class’ batch that’s joining.

I want to do well. I want to make Suna Unnie proud (since partly my speech is somehow inspired by My Name Is Kim Sam Soon). I want to make my beginner Korean professor proud. I want to make my current Korean professor proud. I want to make my 도우미 proud. I want to show the rest of the Korean exchange students that I can also do it. I want to show everyone that even if I haven’t been and I haven’t studied in Korea I can deliver a Korean speech decently. I want to show my mom, my friend and one of my 도우미s that there’s nothing wrong with me.

But somehow, tonight, all those hopes and dreams are also disapparating together with the lost sentences of my speech. I don’t have much time left. I doubt if I still can make it.

Me and my 도우미 made a bet. If I can recite the speech without looking at the script by Wednesday night, she’ll treat me to a $10 worth of dinner. If I won’t be able to do it, I’ll be the one to treat her. I hope it would work. I hope that thinking about the $10 would help me memorize everything. I hope it’s as simple as that…

But it’s not. I see no problem with sentences with words that I already know, or at least I’m familiar with. And grammar patterns that I already know. I have no problem with sentences related to My Name Is Kim Sam Soon (and Kim Sun Ah or Hyun Bin). Just like what Jeannie said on her recent blog entry, we remember better when there’s an emotion triggered. What’s killing me are those loooooooong sentences peppered with brand new words, wrapped on new grammar patterns.

So far I have only memorized about 40 sentences, 10 of which I still have to master. I have to memorize about 30 sentences more. And I only have 3 days left. And I want to give up…

Alright, alright. I STILL have 3 days left. Despite the fact that I have 2 exams and 2 papers to finish within the 3 days as well, 3 days is still 3 days. I shall give it a try.

I have to work alone on D-3 (today) and memorize everything. I have to recite the entire speech by D-2 without looking at the script. I have to recite the entire speech confidently and without any pauses or mistakes by D-1. I can still do it, can’t I?

2 thoughts on “기분이 아주 우울해요

  1. mmm i understand the want to do well, but it’s still important to enjoy the process. Participating in a speech contest is also a form of learning and it’s something meant to be enjoyed.

    Instead of memorising word by word, why not try to understand and ‘feel’ what you really want to say and portray. I find that the words will come easier to you if you really understand instead of forcing yourself to memorise.

    don’t feel too stressed. ^^ remember that we are already doing our best learning korean in our native country (:

    화이팅~! ^^ I believe in you (:

    • Thanks Shanna!! ^__^
      I just realized I ranted too much on this entry. Was really feeling so down when I wrote this. Maybe the reason why I can’t get to memorize my speech was too much stress. I tried to relax today and stopped forcing myself to memorize words after words after words.
      Coincidentally, I just did what you said while I was practicing earlier (thus I was a bit surprised after reading your comment now). And it worked better! I tried ‘feeling’ my speech earlier and was surprised that I finished reciting a whole paragraph without marker errors (the markers were killing me for the past few days – i keep interchanging them). I’m still far from mastering my speech, but I’ll try my best! Thanks again! ❤

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